Pirates of the Caribbean
Directed by Gore Verbinski
For years I have lamented (well whined is more like it) the lack of Pirate movies coming out of Hollywood. I, like most guys my age, have had for years an affinity for the Pirate, and indeed the Pirate lifestyle. My best bud Mcbain and I often pepper our everyday speech with terms like “Arr,” “Shiver me timbers!” and “Scurvey dog!” The last Pirate flick I can think of seeing is Muppet Treasure Island, and as cool as the Muppets are, it wasn’t really what I would call a serious Pirate movie. Before that there was the abysmal Renny Harland flick Cutthroat Island which seemed to set the genre back a decade, before that there was the almost unwatchable Hook and if I go back far enough I suppose The Goonies counts, but of course all the Pirates in that flick have been dead for three hundred years.
Anybody who knows me knows of my distaste for all things shat from the arse of the Disney Corporation, as well as my opinion that Jerry Bruckheimer is a BIG part of what’s wrong with the industry today. If you don’t believe me, then take a look at Pearl Harbor, or Bad Boys (I or II, take your pick, they do the amazing by simultaneously sucking, and blowing!)
Of course this flick surprised me. I went into it thinking to myself “Now how will Disney and Bruckheimer fuck up the Pirate genre?” Well, write this down because you’ll only hear it this once “I WAS WRONG.” Okay? You happy?
Johnny Depp puts in what can only be described as a masterful performance as Captain Jack Sparrow. Playing a salty sea dog in the 1720s who had his ship, the Black Pearl, stolen by mutinous first mate Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and crew - chasing them while being chased by the British navy - Depp ambles through this spectacular production like Keith Richards might if he was a Pirate. The story involves a three-cornered sea chase. Not only have Barbossa's mateys (Arr!) stolen Jack's ship The Black Pearl, they've also kidnapped the beauteous Elizabeth Swann played by hottie Keira Knightley (I loved her in The Phantom Menace! Heh.), daughter of Port Royal's Gov. Weatherby Swann played by Jonathan Pryce (I loved him in Stigmata! Heh.) Jack goes after them, commandeering a royal navy ship, The Interceptor, along with Elizabeth's true love, sword maker Will Turner played by Legolas himself Orlando Bloom. And those two are chased, on The Dauntless, by Guvna’ Swann and Elizabeth's wussy fiancé Commodore Norrington played by Jack Davenport whom you might remember from Mike Lee’s Career Girls. And of course there’s also a curse thrown in for good measure.
Anyway, I suppose the only reason this flick was made was to sell more tickets to Disneyland and to get more people to line up for three hours to go on the ride, but what the hell, it is a fun flick, and there are Pirates in it ferchrissakes! What the hell more do you want me hearties?