Matrix Revolutions
Directed by those Two Fat Otaku Brothers

The old saying goes, at least the one I coined; “one cannot make a good movie with visual effects alone.” Well, guess who doesn’t seem to know this? Those two fat Otaku-tachi who made Matrix Revolutions. Now I know what you’ll say: “it’s really the second half of one really long sequel to The Matrix.” And you’d be right. However, it still sucks ass. I can’t believe I paid $4.15 to rent this and if I ever see those two fat Otaku-tachi who made this enormous coil of cinematic turd, I’m going to demand my money back. That is if they haven’t spent it all on fucking Doritos and 7-11 hot dogs, because of all the fucking weed they must have been smoking when they made this flick. The biggest problem with this film is the lack of any real story, but I suppose when you have a 17minute battle scene of robots vs. humans in mecha maybe you don’t need story, OR MAYBE YOU DO!! This flick falls short, or outright fails at everything it means to accomplish. And what the fuck is with that ending? “Did you make that sunset for him (meaning Neo)?” says the new Oracle. “Yes.” says the pukifyingly cute little girl. ‘Nuff Said. In fact the less said about this messy, convoluted piece of celluloid shite the better.

The Matrix: a decent, innovative flick that stands alone.
The Matrix Reloaded: not as good as the first(a freakin’ understatement if ever there was one), but at least tolerable.
The Matrix Revolutions: worst sequel ever. (said in the voice of The Simpsons “Comic Book Guy.”)
The Animatrix: better than both sequels put together... who'da thought!

Kill Bill vol2
The “New” Film by Quentin Tarantino

I qualify the word “New” with quotations because unless you’ve been living in a cave for the last year, you know that this flick is really the second half of Tarantino’s three-plus hour revenge epic. Harvey Weinstein of Miramax Pictures gave him the dubious option of cutting the film down to two hours for release, so with this gun to his head, Q.T. decided to release it in two parts. More than a year before making this film, Tarantino schooled himself on the action essentials including Japanese samurai flicks, Hong Kong kung fu films, spaghetti westerns, and Japanese Anime. “I wanted to immerse myself so much in that style of filmmaking so that the things they did would be second nature to me.”* I personally have a love for all these kinds of flicks, so of course I liked this homage to the genres. If you don’t like anime, or Hong Kong cine, samurai, etc., then you probably won’t understand or like this film, so read no further. In the second half we delve deeper into the past of Uma Thurman’s character The Bride, (aka: Beatrix Kiddo, aka: Black Mamba, aka: Mommy) learning about her first Kung Fu master, we also learn a lot more about Bill (David Carradine, who is brilliant in this flick by the way), and a little more about the characters that didn’t get freakin’ eviscerated in the first half. We even get to find out how Elle Driver (Darryl Hannah) lost her right eye, and we get to see her lose her left! Wheeee! And to give away the ending, yes Beatrix does in fact Kill Bill. Well, duh! It’s not called Bill Lives after all. This is all well and good, but and this is a HUGE but, why didn’t we get to see this six fucking months ago? The minds of studio execs I’ll never understand even if I live to be 1000! Is this flick innovative? Yes. Is it ingenious? Sure, but only if viewed as a whole with the first half. Having watched the first part hours before seeing the second I can honestly say it works better as ONE FILM!!!!! Which is why I refuse to buy vol1 on DVD (I rented it) until they bring out THE DELUXE EDITION that you know those cocksuckers at Miramax will do only AFTER they release vol2 on DVD in six months, which means of course, having to wait up to a year to have this fabulous piece of cinema in my collection. Should you go see this flick? Absolutely. Go now, but try to go during the day to a matinee, or on a Tuesday, as Disney-oops! I mean Miramax already made $170 million on the first half, and stands to make at least that much on the second.


*Famous volume 5 number 4 April 2004 issue